Marriage Jokes

We have collected some funny marriage jokes for you that you will enjoy for sure.

A note from his wife

Jack wakes up with a horrible hangover and a throbbing black eye.
The first thing he sees is single rose on the side table and note from his wife.
«Dear, breakfast is made. I’ve gone shopping for your favorite dinner tonight. I love you!!»
He stumbles to the kitchen and, sure enough, there’s breakfast.
«Joe, he says to his son, what happened last night?»
«You came home soused and got that black eye tripping over a chair.»
«So, why the rose, breakfast and sweet note from your mother?»
«Oh that. Mom dragged you upstairs to the bed, and when she tried to take off your cloths, you screamed, leave me alone, I am married.»

Don’t mess with the wife

A police officer jumps into his squad car and calls the police station.
«I have an interesting case here,» he says.
«A woman shot his husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped».
«Have you arrested her?» Asks the sergeant.
«No, not yet. The floor is still wet.»

The relatives

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, «Relatives of yours?»
«Yep,» the wife replied, «in laws».

The promise

A man received a letter from some kidnappers.
The letter wrote: «If you don’t promise to send $100,000 , we promise that we will kidnap your wife.»
The poor man wrote back,
«I am afraid I can’t keep my promise but I hope you will keep yours.»

Marriage Joke: Marriage is like deleting all the apps on your phone except one
Marriage is like deleting all the apps on your phone except one

A dog’s life

A woman told a marriage counselor that her husband’s complaint that he leads a dog’s life is probably well founded.
«He comes in the house with muddy feet,» she said, «tracks across my clean floors, barks at nothing, growls at his food and makes himself comfortable on my best furniture.»

What a woman needs…

A young lady visited the government matchmaker for marriage and requested, «I am looking for a spouse. Can you please help me to find a suitable one?»
The marriage officer said, «you’re requirements please.»
«Well, let me see. Needs to be good looking, polite, humorous, sporty, knowledgeable, and good at singing and dancing. Willing accompany me whole day at home during my leisure hour, if I don’t go out. Telling me interesting stories when I need companion for conversation and be silent when I want to rest».
The officer listened carefully and replied, «I understand. You need a television.»

What’s for dinner?

A man goes to the doctor, concerned about his wife’s hearing.
The doctor says, «Stand behind her and say something and tell me how close you are when she hears you».
The man goes home, sees his wife in the kitchen, cutting carrots on the countertop. About 15 feet away he says, «Honey, what’s for dinner?» Nothing.
He gets halfway to her and repeats the same question. Nothing.
Very concerned, he gets right behind her and asks again «What’s for dinner?»
She turns around and says «For the THIRD time, beef stew!»

How often should you make love?

A therapist has a theory that couples who make love once a day are the happiest. So he tests it at a seminar by asking those assembled, «How many people here make love once a day?» Half the people raise their hands, each of them grinning widely.
«Once a week?» A third of the audience members raise their hands, their grins a bit less vibrant.
«Once a month?» A few hands tepidly go up.
Then he asks, «OK, how about once a year?»
One man in the back jumps up and down, jubilantly waving his hands.
The therapist is shocked, this disproves his theory.
«If you make love only once a year,» he asks, «why are you so happy?»
The man yells, «Today’s the day!»

The secret to a happy marriage

A husband and wife had been married for 60 years and had no secrets except for one: The woman kept in her closet a shoe box that she forbade her husband from ever opening. But when she was on her deathbed, and with her blessing, he opened the box and found a crocheted doll and $95,000 in cash.
«My mother told me that the secret to a happy marriage was to never argue,» she explained. «Instead, I should keep quiet and crochet a doll.»
Her husband was touched. Only one doll was in the box, that meant she’d been angry with him only once in 60 years.
«But what about all this money?» he asked.
«Oh,» she said, «that’s the money I made from selling the dolls.»

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