How does an attorney sleep? Well, first he lies on one side, then he lies on the other. Was it funny? You are legally obligated to laugh at these lawyer jokes.
Lawyer knows the value of money
A lawyer and his wife would visit their local fair every year. Each time they came across the local crop duster and his biplane offering rides for $100.
The lawyer would always tell his wife, «maybe this is the year I take a ride…» and she would reply, «yes, that would be exciting but it’s too dangerous. Besides, $100 is $100 !!!»
After many years of repeating this ritual the Lawyer said, «look, I am 81 years old. If I don’t ride it this time I may not live long enough to try again!»
The pilot couldn’t help stepping in and told the couple, «I will give both of you a ride for free, but if either of you say one word during the ride, you have to pay the $100.»
The couple looked at each other and happily agreed. The pilot took them for a ride. He did loops and rolls and dives, but didn’t hear a sound. He even tried tricks that scared him, but no sound from the couple. As he finally landed, he turned around and said, «OK you win. The ride is free!».
At that point the lawyer said, «I almost yelled out when my wife fell out of the plane, but $100 is $100!!!!»
The young law clerk
A young man who recently became a law clerk to a prominent New Jersey judge was asked to prepare a suggested opinion in an important case.
After working on the assignment for some time, he proudly handed in a 23 page document.
When he go it back, he found a terse comment on the page 7; “Stop romancing- propose already”.
The honest lawyer
An investment banker decides she needs in house counsel, so she interviews a young lawyer.
«Mr. Peterson,» she says. «Would you say you are honest?»
«Honest?» Replies Peterson.
«Let me tell you something about honesty. My father lent me 85000$ for my education, and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my first case».
«Impressive, what sort of case was that?»
«Dad sued me for the money». He replies.
A witness to an automobile accident was testifying.
The lawyer asked him: «Did you actually see the accident?»
The witness said: «Yes Sir»
The lawyer: «How far away were you when the accident happened?»
The witness: «Thirty one feet, six and one quarter inches.»
The lawyer (thinking he had trap the witness): «Well, sir, will you tell the jury how you knew it was exactly that distance?»
The witness: «Because when the accident happened, I took out a tape and measured it. I knew some annoying lawyer would ask me that question.»
Here lies a lawyer and an honest man
A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girl’s grandmother. On their way through the cemetery back to the car, the little girl asked, «Mummy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?»
«Of course not, dear,» replied the mother, «Why would you think that?»
«The tombstone back there said… ‘Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.»
World without lawyers
Genie: I shall grant you three wishes.
Me: I wish for a world without lawyers.
Genie: Done, you have no more wishes.
Me: But you just said three
Genie: Sue me
The lawyer’s advice
A doctor and a lawyer were attending a cocktail party, when the doctor was approached by a man who asked advice on how to handle his ulcer. The doctor mumbled some medical advice. After that he turned to the lawyer and asked.
How do you handle the situation when you are asked for advice during a social function?
Just sent an invoice for such advice replied the lawyer.
On the next morning when the man arrived at his surgery, the doctor issued the ulcer-stricken man a 50$ invoice.
Later that afternoon the doctor received a 100$ invoice from the lawyer.
The accident case
The lawyer son wanted to follow in his father’s footsteps, so he went to law school. He graduated with honors, and then went home to join his father’s firms.
About the end of his first day at work he rushed into his father’s office and said: Father, father, in one day I broke the accident case that you have been working on for ten years.
His father responded, you idiot, we could live on the funding of that case for another ten years.
A lawyer mistakenly sent a balance of $100 to an unknown number. When every attempt to recall failed, the lawyer sent a message to the same number.
«Congratulations on joining our Terror organization. You have confirmed your membership by accepting a balance of one thousand and you will definitely be happy to know that you have been selected in the Top Wing of the organization. You will be picked up from your home soon for training.»
Shortly afterward, the lawyer received a balance of $200 with the message:
«Brother, I could not receive the call because the mobile was on charging. Anyway, get a balance of $200 and forgive me. Not only do I have poor eyesight but I also have paralysis in one leg and paralysis in one arm.»
Wife asked her husband: «You are an expert in law and also an advocate. Why do you think a woman is obliged to prepare food for her husband?»
The husband replied: «Because the Geneva Convention stipulates that it is the government’s responsibility to provide food for prisoners.»
Good vs Great
What is difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer?
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the judge.