New Years Jokes

Here we have collected some new years jokes. These are some funny jokes for new years eve. Enjoy jokes about the Wife, Gifts, Love and New Year’s Eve Resolutions.

The lecture

On New Year’s Eve, Roger was in no shape to drive, so he sensibly left his van in the car park and walked home. As he was wobbling along, he was stopped by a policeman. «What are you doing out here at four o’clock in the morning?» asked the police officer.
«I’m on my way to a lecture,» answered Roger.
«And who on earth, in their right mind, is going to give a lecture at this time on New Year’s Eve?» enquired the constable sarcastically.
«My wife,» slurred Roger grimly.

New Year’s Gift

Emma was taking an afternoon nap on New Year’s Eve before the festivities. After she woke up, she confided to William, her husband, «I just dreamed that you gave me a diamond ring for a New Year’s present. What do you think it all means?»
«Aha, you’ll know tonight,» answered Max smiling broadly.
At midnight, as the New Year was chiming, William approached Emma and handed her a small package. Delighted and excited she opened it quickly. There in her hand rested a book entitled: “The meaning of dreams”.

New Year’s resolution

John, at a New Year’s party, turns to his friend, David, and asks for a cigarette.
«I thought you made a New Year’s resolution and that you don’t smoke,» said David.
«I’m in the process of quitting,» replies John with a grin. «I am in the middle of phase one.»
«Phase one?» asks David.
«Yeah,» laughs John, «I’ve quit buying.»

Ah! Love

An ant and an elephant got married on the new year’s eve in a church. The elephant was very happy due to which he drank a lot for the first time in his life. He fall ill and died..
Ant said «Ah! Love»
I was loved just for one night and now my whole life will be spent upon digging his grave.

Family Love

A Spanish girl goes back to her father’s farmhouse for New Year’s Eve.
Her father asked: «Where have you been all this time? Why did you not write to us, not even a line? Why didn’t you call?»

Crying, the girl replied: «Dad, I became a prostitute.»

«What? Out of here you shameless harlot! You’re a disgrace to this family.»

«Okay, Dad. If that’s your wish. I just came back to give Mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten-bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for $4 million. For my little brother, this gold Rolex and for you Dad, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that’s parked outside, plus a membership to the country club and an invitation for you all to spend a fun New Years’ Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera.»
«Now what was it you said you had become, again?» asked the dad.
The girl, crying again, answered: «A prostitute, Dad!»
«Oh! You scared me half to death, girl! I thought you said a Protestant. Come here and give your old man a hug!»

New Year’s Eve Resolutions

My new year’s resolution was to finally lose 50 pounds.
It’s going alright! 3 weeks in and I’ve only got 55 left to lose.

Negative Start

For a kick start of my New Year:
I give an IQ test and the results were negative.

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