One line jokes

Here vi have some funny one line jokes. Some are just jokes and some are some funny quotes from other people. Anyway; enjoy these great one line jokes.

I ate a clock yesterday. It was very time consuming.

What is worse than ants in your pants?

Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

I failed math so many times at school, I can’t even count.

I have 3 kids and no money, why I can’t I have no kids and 3 money.

Homer Simpson

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

When life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.

I think its wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.

Steven Wright

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.

If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong.

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

Demetri Martin

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

I went to buy some camo pants but couldn’t find any.

Last night I played Poker with Tarot cards… Got a full house and 4 people died.

Steven Wright

My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station…

My father is Schizophrenia, but he’s good people.

Stewart Francis

Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.

My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.

Does my wife think, I am a control freak? I have not decided yet.

Stewart Francis

Maybe if we start telling people their brain is an app, they’ll want to use it.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they open their mouths.

I looked up my family tree, and found out I was the sap.

Rodney Dangerfield

I don’t have a bear gut. I have a protective covering for my rock hard abs.

Money talks. But all mine ever says is goodbye.

It’s not that I am afraid to die, I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

Woody Allen

I don’t have a girlfriend, but I know a girl that would get really mad if she heard me say that.

I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.

I am on a Whisky diet…. I have lost three days already.

Tommy Cooper

A clear conscience is usually the sign of bad memory.

My first experience with culture shock? Probably when I peed on an electric fence.

There is no such thing as addiction; there is an only thing that you enjoy more than doing life.

Doug Stanhope

I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.

I had to stop drinking, because I got tired of waking up in my car driving 90.

Richard Pryor

Knowledge is power and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.

Women should not have children after 35. Really, 35 children are enough.

I had a wonderful childhood, which is tough because it is hard to adjust to a miserable adulthood.

Larry David

It’s never a good idea to keep both feet firmly on the ground. You will have trouble putting on your pants.

I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

Hope these were some of the best one line jokes ever, that you have heard.
Have you read these Chuck Norris Jokes or these Army Jokes?

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