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Christmas Jokes

Image to Christmas Jokes

How does Santa Claus take a picture? With a North Pole-roid. We have a lot of christmas jokes for you, so just keep on reading.
Christmas is a beautiful time of the year, but remember; If you cross a snowman with a vampire, You’ll get frostbite.


What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies?
Snowballs.

The diamond ring

A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas.
After hearing about this extravagant gift, a friend of his said, «I thought she wanted one of those sporty four -wheel-drive vehicles».
The guy replied: «She did, but where was I going to find a fake jeep?»

Santa’s lap

A little girl climbed onto Santa’s lap. Santa asked the usual: «What would you like for Christmas?»
The child stared at him open mouth and horrified for a minute, then gasped: «Did not you get my email?»

What symbolizes Christmas

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at pearly gates.
Saint Peter said: «In honor of Holy season, you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven?»
The first man fumbled through his pocket and pulled out a lighter. He flicked on it and said: «It represents a candle.»
«You may pass through the pearly gates,» said Saint Peter.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, «They are bells».
Saint Peter said: «You may pass through the pearly gates.»
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women’s glasses.
Saint Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, «What do those symbolizes?»
The man replied: «They are Carol’s».

Army of the Lord

A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands.
He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside. The Pastor said to him, «You need to join the Army of the Lord!»
My friend replied, «I’m already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor.»
Pastor questioned, «How come I don’t see you except at Christmas and Easter?»
He whispered back, «I’m in the secret service.»

Christmas image - Santas Sleigh joke
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh?
Nothing – it was on the house.

The christmas three

A boy begs to his father to get him a Christmas tree this year.
Each year, the boy asked and father tells him, «I don’t want to pay for it».
But the son kept begging.
When he can no longer bear to listen to his sons whining, hhe picks up his axe one day and heads out of the house.
Thirty minutes later he returns with a big Christmas tree.
The son asks: «How did you cut it down so fast?»
The father replies: «I did not cut it down; I got it at a tree lot».
The son asked again: «Then why did you bring an axe?»
The father replies: «Because I did not want to pay».

I heart christmas

«Christmas is in my heart twelve months a year and thanks to credit card, it’s on my Visa card statement twelve months a year also.»

Christmas shopping

It was Christmas and the judge was in merry mood as he asked the prisoner, «What are you charged with?»
«Doing my Christmas shopping early,» the prisoner replied.
Judge: «That’s no offense, how early were you doing this shopping?»
«Before the store opened,» the prisoner replied.

Christmas prayers

Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents the week before Christmas. At bed time, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers. The youngest one began praying at the top of his lungs.
«I Pray For A New Bicycle…
I Pray For A Nintendo….
I Pray For A New Stereo…»

His older brother leaned over and nudges the younger brother and said, «Why are you shouting your prayers? God is not deaf.»
To which the little brother replied: «No, but grandma is!»

The train stop

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her son playing with his Christmas present in the living room; an electric train.
She heard the train stop and her son said, «All of you idiots who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of idiots who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we’re going down the tracks.»
The mother went nuts and told her son, «We don’t use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language».

Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, «All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon».
She hears the little boy continue, «For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today».
As the mother began to smile, the child added, «For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please talk to the idiot in the kitchen».

Knock knock christmas jokes

Knock Knock!
Whos there?
Mary and Abby!
Mary and Abby who?
Mary christmas and a Abby new year.

Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Tissue. Tissue Who?
All I Want For Christmas Tissue.

Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Mary.
Mary who?
Mary Christmas!

Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Tank.
Tank who?
Tank you for my Christmas present!

Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Yah.
Yah who?
Wow, you’re really excited about Christmas!

Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Howard.
Howard who?
Howard you like to sing Christmas carols with me?

Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Ima.
Ima who?
Ima dreaming of a white Christmas…

Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Wanda.
Wanda who?
Wanda know what you’re getting for Christmas?

Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Doughnut.
Doughnut who?
Doughnut open until Christmas!


Can’t get enough?
Try these Trivia Question for Christmas.

By the way; did you know that there is a place called Christmas Island that has its own flag? Do you know what it looks like?
Take The flags of the world quiz and find out.