At one point during the game, he called one of his 7-year-old players aside and asked, \u00abDo you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?\u00bb<\/em>
The little boy nodded affirmatively\u2026
\u00abDo you understand that what matters is not whether we win or lose, but how we play together as a team?\u00bb<\/em>
The little boy nodded once more.
\u00abSo\u2026\u00bb<\/em> the coach continued. \u00abI’m sure you know that when a penalty is called, you shouldn’t argue, curse, attack the referee, or call him an idiot. Do you understand all that?\u00bb<\/em>
Again the little boy nodded.
He continued, \u00abAnd when I call you off the field so that another boy gets a chance to play, it’s not good sportsmanship to call your coach a dumb asshole, is it?\u00bb<\/em>
The little boy nodded yet again.
\u00abGood.\u00bb<\/em> said the coach. \u00abNow go over there and explain all that to your mother.\u00bb<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n
Sunday School Children<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
So after a brief chat i went to go pick her up. I wasn’t expecting much, probably 300 lbs with bad skin, but hey, I was so desperate it was this or sitting home alone. The world’s leading expert on European wasps walks into a record shop. The husband leans over and asks his wife A guy goes to Las Vegas to gamble and he loses all his money. A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird’s chest. Two rednecks flew to Canada on a hunting trip. I was passing by my son’s bedroom and was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then, I saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, ‘Dad’. A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. A drunk guy is showing friends his new apartment\u2026 Hope you got a little laugh out of the best jokes we’ve picked out.
I walked up to the door and lo and behold, 5’2″, baby blue eyes, strawberry blonde hair, all the right curves in all the right places. I couldn’t believe my luck.
I asked her what she did for a living. She said she taught sunday school. Now I never had me a Christian girl, but I’m open minded so I took her to dinner.
On the way, I lit a joint and asked her if she smokes.
\u00abOh heaven’s no, what would I tell my Sunday school children.\u00bb<\/em>
I said okay, some people do some people don’t.
I took her to the best restaurant I knew. I ordered the steak, she ordered the lobster. I asked for an expensive bottle of wine on the menu. When the waitress came to pour, She said she didn’t drink.
I said \u00abyou don’t drink?!?\u00bb<\/em>
\u00abOh heaven’s no, what would I tell my Sunday school children.\u00bb<\/em>
Excellent food, sparkling conversation but i’m bummed out, I don’t know what to do with a girl like this.
So I’m driving her home and pass a cheap motel, I figure, what have I got to lose. So i ask: \u00abwanna get a room and ‘have some fun’?\u00bb<\/em>
She says: \u00abI thought you’d never ask!\u00bb<\/em>
I say: \u00abReally? What are you gonna tell your Sunday school children?\u00bb<\/em>
She says: \u00abThe same thing I tell them every week. You don’t have to smoke and drink to have a good time!\u00bb<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\nEuropean Wasps<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
He asks the assistant \u00abDo you have \u2018European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2? I believe it was released this week.\u00bb<\/em>
\u00abCertainly,\u00bb<\/em> replies the assistant. \u00abWould you like to listen before you buy it?\u00bb<\/em>
\u00abThat would be wonderful,\u00bb<\/em> says the expert, and puts on a pair of headphones.
He listens for a few moments and says to the assistant, \u00abI’m terribly sorry, but I am the world’s leading expert on European wasps and this is not accurate at all. I don’t recognize any of those sounds. Are you sure this is the correct recording?\u00bb<\/em>
The assistant checks the turntable, and replies that it is indeed European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2. The assistant apologizes and lifts the needle onto the next track.
Again the expert listens for a few moments and then says to the assistant, \u00abNo, this just can’t be right! I’ve been an expert in this field for 43 years and I still don’t recognize any of these sounds.\u00bb<\/em>
The assistant apologizes again and lifts the needle to the next track.
The expert throws off the headphones as soon as it starts playing and is fuming with rage.
\u00abThis is outrageous false advertising! I am the world’s leading expert on European wasps and no European wasp has ever made a sound like the ones on this record!\u00bb<\/em>
The manager of the shop overhears the commotion and walks over.
\u00abWhat seems to be the problem, sir?\u00bb<\/em>
\u00abThis is an outrage! I am the world’s leading expert on European wasps. Nobody knows more about them than I do. There is no way in hell that the sounds on that record were made by European wasps!\u00bb<\/em>
The manager glances down and notices the problem instantly.
\u00abI’m terribly sorry, sir. It appears we’ve been playing you the bee side.\u00bb<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\nThe Old Man<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
\u00abDo you remember the first time we were together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.\u00bb<\/em>
Yes, she says, \u00abI remember it well.\u00bb<\/em>
OK, he says, \u00abHow about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time’s sake?\u00bb<\/em>
\u00abOh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!\u00bb<\/em>
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, \u00abI’ve got to see these two old-timers doing it against the fence. I’ll just keep an eye on them so there’s no trouble\u00bb<\/em>. So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence.
The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.
Then suddenly they erupt into the most ‘wild thing’ the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming.
Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn’t know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.
The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I’ve got to ask them what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them, \u00abExcuse me, but that was something else. You must’ve had a fantastic life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?\u00bb<\/em>
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,
\u00abFifty years ago that wasn’t an electric fence.\u00bb<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\nHow much is it to the airport?<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
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He doesn’t even have enough for a cab, but he flagged one down anyway.
He explained to the driver that he would pay him back next time and gave him his phone number, but the driver told him, \u00abGet the hell out of my cab.\u00bb<\/em>
So he walked all the way to the airport and got home. Some times rolls by and he decides to go back to Vegas again and this time he wins BIG.
He gets his bags and is ready for the airport with all his new winnings.
There are a line of cabs and at the very end he sees the driver from last time that kicked him out.
He stood for a moment thinking how can he get his revenge on that driver. So, he gets in the first cab. \u00abHow much is it to the airport?\u00bb<\/em> He asks.
The driver says, \u00ab$15\u00bb<\/em>
\u00abGreat, how much is it for a BJ on the way there?\u00bb<\/em>
The cab driver says, \u00abGet the hell out of my cab.\u00bb<\/em>
So he goes to the next one and asks the same thing.
\u00abHow much to airport?\u00bb<\/em> \u00ab$15\u00bb<\/em> \u00abGreat, how much for a BJ on the way there?\u00bb<\/em> and that cab driver also tells him to get the hell out of his cab.
He does this all the way down the line of cabs, each one kicking him out.
He finally gets to the last driver, the one from his last trip.
He asks, \u00abhey how much to the airport?\u00bb<\/em>
Driver responds, \u00ab$15\u00bb<\/em>
The guy hands him $15 and says \u00abgreat let’s go\u00bb<\/em> and so the driver leaves, slowly passing all the other drivers who are staring out their window while the guy in the back smiles back with a thumbs up.<\/p>\n\n\n\nThe Vet and the Duck’s owner<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, \u00abI’m sorry, your duck has passed away.\u00bb<\/em>
The distressed woman wailed, \u00abAre you sure?\u00bb<\/em>
\u00abYes, I am sure. Your duck is dead,\u00bb<\/em> replied the vet..
\u00abHow can you be so sure?\u00bb<\/em> she protested.
\u00abI mean you haven’t done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something.\u00bb<\/em>
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck’s owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, \u00abI’m sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck.\u00bb<\/em>
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..
The duck’s owner, still in shock, took the bill. \u00ab$150!\u00bb<\/em> she cried, \u00ab$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!\u00bb<\/em>
The vet shrugged, \u00abI’m sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it’s now $150.\u00bb<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\nThe pilot and the two rednecks<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
They chartered a small plane to take them into the Rockies for a week hunting moose.
They managed to bag 6. As they were loading the plane to return, the Pilot said the plane could take only 4 moose.
The two guys objected strongly. \u00abLast year we shot six. The pilot let us take them all and he had the same plane as yours.\u00bb<\/em>
Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. The plane took off. However, while attempting to cross some mountains, even on full power, the little plane couldn’t handle the load and went down.
Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, only the two rednecks survived the crash.
After climbing out of the wreckage, Billy Ray asked Billy Bob, \u00abAny idea where we are?\u00bb<\/em>
Billy Bob replied, \u00abI think we’re pretty close to where we crashed last year.\u00bb<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\nThe envelope on the pillow<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
With the worst premonition, I opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands\u2026
Dear Dad.
It is with great regret and sorrow that I’m writing you.
I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with mom and you.
I’ve been finding real passion with Stacy.
She is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing’s, tattoos, her tight motorcycle clothes and because she is so much older than I am.
But it’s not only the passion, dad.
She’s pregnant.
Stacy said that we will be very happy.
She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter.
We share a dream of having many more children.
Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that drugs doesn’t really hurt anyone.
We’ll be growing some for ourselves and trading it with the other people in the commune for all other things we want.
In the meantime, we’ll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so that Stacy can get better.
She sure deserves it!
Don’t worry dad, I’m 15, and I know how to take care of myself.
Someday, I’m sure we’ll be back to visit so you can get to know your many grandchildren.
Love, your son, Joshua.
<\/em>
P.S. Dad, none of the above is true.
I’m over at Jason’s house.
I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that’s on the kitchen table.
Call when it is safe for me to come home!<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\nWhat I did in Texas<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
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Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was.
When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen.
He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.
\u00abWhich one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!\u00bb<\/em> he yelled with surprising forcefulness.
No one answered.
\u00abAlright, I’m gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain’t back outside by the time I finish, I’m gonna do what I did in Texas! And I don’t like to have to do what I did in Texas!\u00bb<\/em>
Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post.
He saddled up and started to ride out of town.
The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, \u00abSay partner, before you go\u2026 what happened in Texas?\u00bb<\/em>
The cowboy turned back and said, \u00abI had to walk home.\u00bb<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\nThe Gong<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
The last stop is the bedroom, where a big brass gong sits next to the bed.
\u00abWhat’s that gong for?\u00bb<\/em> the friend asks him.
\u00abIt’s not a gong,\u00bb<\/em> the drunk replies. \u00abIt’s a talking clock.\u00bb<\/em>
\u00abHow does it work?\u00bb<\/em>
The guys picks up a hammer, gives the gong an ear-shattering pound, and steps back.
suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screams, \u00abFor God’s sake, you asshole\u2026it’s 3:30 in the god damn morning!\u00bb<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n
\n\n\n\n
We have not included those who were voted the The world\u2019s funniest jokes.
They can be read here:
The world\u2019s funniest jokes<\/a>
Maybe you also want to read some boyfriend jokes<\/a>?<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"