Redneck Jokes

Redneck jokes is jokes about rednecks, also known as hillbillys, cracker or white trash; An unsophisticated poor southern white American without education. Laugh hard and loud.

Two rednecks in a pickup truck drove to a lumber yard.
One of them walked into the office and said, «I need some four-by-twos».
«You must mean two-by-fours,» the clerk suggested.
The fellow stared blankly for a minute. «I’ll go check,» he said, heading back to the truck.
When he returned, he said, «Yeah, I meant two-by-fours».
«Ok, how long do you want them?»
The customer stared blankly again. «I’d better go check.»
After a lengthy discussion at the truck, he returned to the office.
«A long time,» he replied. «We’re building a house».

Two Virginia rednecks went on a fishing trip.
They rent all the equipment – the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods.
the first day they went fishing, they didn’t catch anything.
The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day.
It goes on like this until, finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the men catches a fish.
As they’re driving home they’re really depressed.
One guy turns to the other and says, «Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred bucks?»
The other hillbilly says, «Wow! Then it’s a good thing we didn’t catch any more!»

Two Yankee boys were driving through the South and was stopped by a State Trooper.
The trooper walked up to the open driver’s window, reached in, and slapped the driver on the side of his head.
«What did you do that for?» the driver asked.
«I don’t know how yall do it up north but here in Alabama, you have your drivers license ready when I walk up to the car.»

The trooper took the license when it was offered, walked back to his unit and then returned the license to the driver.
He then walked around to the passenger side of the car and tapped on the window.
When the passenger rolled the window down, the trooper reached in and slapped the passenger on the side of the head.
«What did you do that for?» asked the startled passenger.
«Well,» responded the trooper, «I didn’t want you to be disappointed. You’ll get about two miles down the road and then say, ‘I wish that redneck woulda tried that with me!’»

Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Beer.
The passenger, Bubba, said «look up ahead, Earl, it’s a police roadblock!! We’re gonna get busted for drinking these here beers!!»

«Don’t worry, Bubba», Earl said.
«We’ll just pull over and finish drinking these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat».

«What for?», asked Bubba.
«Just let me do the talking, OK?», said Earl.

Well, they finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat, and each put a label on their forehead. When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, «You boys been

«No, sir», said Earl. «We’re on the patch!»

Two rednecks from Arkansas were out hunting.
They decided to separate to get a better chance of catching something.
The first redneck says to the other, «If you get lost, fire three shots into the air every hour. That way I can pinpoint you and find you.»
After about three hours, the second redneck finds he is really lost.
He decides to fire three shots into the air as the first man told him.
He then waits an hour and does it again.
He repeats this until he is out of ammo.
The next morning, the first redneck finds the second with the help of forest rangers.
He asks the second redneck man if he did what he told him to do.
The redneck answers, «Yes, I fired three shots into the air every hour on the hour until I ran out of arrows.»

The Redneck Letter

Dearest Son,

I’m writing this slow because I know you can’t read fast. We don’t live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home, so we moved. I won’t be able to send you the address because the last Arkansas family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so that they wouldn’t have to change their address.

This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I’m not sure it works so well though. Last week I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain… We haven’t seen them since. The weather isn’t bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days.

About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Cleetus said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. Billy Bob locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.

Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven’t found out what it is yet so I don’t know if you’re an aunt or an uncle. The baby looks just like your brother.
Uncle Ray fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off playfully and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Clyde was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in back. They drowned because they couldn’t get the tailgate down.
There isn’t much more news at this time. Nothing much out of the normal has happened.

Your loving Mum

Ps. I was going to send you some money but I had already sealed the envelope.

You might be a redneck if…

  • You have more dogs than the local shelter.
  • Your school hands out race tickets for perfect attendance.
  • You have a family reunion and everyone in town shows up.
  • You see a “No crack” sign and you pull your pants up.
  • You think harass is two words.
  • You think “loading the dishwasher” means getting your wife drunk.
  • Your family tree is just one long trunk with no branches.
  • You consistantly receive credit card offers with a limit of $1.25.
  • Your blood alcohol content has ever exceeded your IQ.
  • You have more fingers than you do teeth
  • You consider fast food hitting a deer at 65 MPH.
  • Nothing under your Christmas tree is paid for.
  • Your postman puts rubber gloves on when the red flag is up on your mailbox.
  • You think the last words to the Star Spangled Banner are: “Play Ball”.
  • If you think lol means “low on liquor.”
  • Your best Suit contains more than 5 colors
  • Your stereo speakers used to belong to the Drive-in Theater.
  • You keep seeing your neighbors on Jerry Springer.
  • A night trip to the bathroom involves mud boots.
  • You own all the components of soap on a rope except the soap.
  • Thanksgiving was ruined because you ran out of ketchup.
  • You take out your toothpick only for wedding pictures.
  • Every day someone comes to your house mistakingly thinking your having a yard sale.
  • You are still holding on to Confederate money because you think the South will rise again.
  • Burning lighter fluid is your favorite smell in the world!
  • You say “Watch this” every time before you goto the hospital.
  • You think the stock market has a fence around it.
  • If you think “recipe for disaster” has something to do with your wife’s chili.
  • More than one living relative is named after a Confederate Civil War general.
  • You have a home that’s mobile and three cars that aren’t!
  • Your daughter’s Sweet 16 is sponsered by Budweiser.
  • Your wife and ex-wife are sisters.
  • Fifth grade was the best six years of your life.
  • Sixth grade is senior year.

The Redneck “book of manners”

  • Never take a cooler to church.
  • Never take a beer to a job interview.
  • Never give livestock as a wedding gift.
  • Never ask your girlfriend to bring back beer when she’s walking to get gas for your empty pickup truck.

Redneck one liner and short ones

Rednecks don’t need pickup lines because they got pick up trucks.

Redneck at the doctor: «Doc, I think I’m in trouble, I swallowed an ice cube 3 days ago and it ain’t come out yet.»

Rednecks never brush their teeth. They brush their tooth.

When two rednecks divorce, do they still remain family?

Rednecks are so poor that if you visit them in the winter and fart secretly at their place, they will ask if someone turned on the heating.

When you say «Look, a dead bird» to a redneck, he’ll look up.

I am having a redneck moment. Please speak slowly and use small words.

Redneck’s famous last words? «Hold my beer and watch this!»

Redneck Q&A Jokes

How can you be sure a toothbrush was invented by a redneck?
– Anyone else would have named it a teethbrush.

How do rednecks fish?
– With dynamite.

Why do rednecks like having sex doggie style?
– That way they can both watch wrestling.

Why do rednecks join the army?
– Free food guns and ammo.

What do tornados and a redneck divorce have in common?
– Somebody’s gonna lose a trailer!

What’s the downside of being a redneck kid at Christmas?
– You just have one set of grandparents to get presents from.

What do you call a goat on a mountain?
– Hillbilly.

Why are redneck murder cases so hard to solve?
– Because all the DNA matches and there is no dental records.

What do you call a redneck bursting into flames?
– A Fire Cracker!

What do rednecks and a bottle of beer have in common?
– They’re both empty from the neck up.

What’s the difference between a redneck and poor white trash?
– A redneck will knock his sister up; poor white trash will marry her.

What can a pizza do that a redneck can’t do?
– Feed a family of 4.

What do two rednecks say after breaking up?
– Lets just be cousins.

Whats forty feet long and has only 14 teeth?
– The front row at a Garth Brooks Concert.

What does a redneck do when his dishwasher stops working?
– Slap her on the ass and tell her to get back to work.

Another funny Redneck joke can be found in the Top 10 best jokes (along with 9 other hysterically funny jokes).

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