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Jokes about the army

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Do you like the Army? Here we have 15 really funny jokes about the army. Enjoy these funny jokes where you can read about sergeants and lieutenants.

Car is stuck in mud

During a military training exercises a lieutenant was driving down a muddy back road when he encountered another car stuck in the mud with a red-faced Colonel at the wheel.
«Your car stuck, sir?» asked the Lieutenant as he pulled alongside.
«Nope,» replied the Colonel, coming over and handing him the keys.
«Yours is.»

US army fitness test

At an US Army base, the annual trip to the rifle range had been cancelled for the second year in a row, but the semi-annual physical fitness test was still on as planned.
One soldier mused: «Does it bother anyone else that the Army doesn’t seem to care how well we can shoot, but they are extremely interested in how fast we can run?»

The army soldier and the two marines

Two Marines boarded a quick shuttle flight out of Dallas, headed for Houston.
One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat.
Just before take-off, an Army soldier got on and took the aisle seat next to the two Marines.
The Soldier kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Marine in the window seat said, «I think I’ll get up and get a coke.»
«No problem,» said the Soldier, «I’ll get it for you.»
While he was gone, the Marine picked up the Soldier’s shoe and spit in it.
When the Soldier returned with the coke, the Marine in the middle seat said, «That looks good, I think I’ll have one too.»
Again, the Soldier obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the Marine picked up the soldier’s other shoe and spit in it.
The Soldier returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the rest of the short flight to Houston.
As the plane was landing, the Soldier slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.
«How long must this go on?» the Soldier asked.
«This fighting between our services?»
«This hatred?»
«This animosity?»
«This spitting in shoes and peeing in cokes?»

Short military jokes

The Sergeant growled at the young soldier: «I didn’t see you at camouflage training this morning.»
«Thank you very much, sir.»

Which month do soldiers hate most?
March!

What soldiers smell of salt and pepper?
Seasoned troops!

Which branch of the military do babies join?
The infantry!

Where does the Colonel keep his armies?
Up his sleevies!

How are tigers like sergeants in the army?
They both wear stripes.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn’t find any.

The old veteran

An old veteran walks into a grocery store. Immediately, the cashier stops him and says, «sir, your barracks door is open.»
At first, he pays zero attention to her because he doesn’t live in the barracks. So, he continues shopping until he spots a man stocking some shelves. He tells him what the cashier said and asks what she could’ve meant.
He tells the veteran that his fly is open.
After completing his shopping, he goes back to the same cashier and says, «ma’am, you told me my barracks door was open. While you were looking, did you see a Marine standing at attention, saluting?»
The cashier replies, «no, sir. I just saw an old, retired veteran lying on two seabags.»

How to stop urges

Image to the joke "How to stop urges" in the article "Jokes about the army"

The new Marine Captain was assigned to a recon company in a remote post in the desert.
During his first inspection, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent.
He asks the First Sergeant why the camel is kept there.
«Well, sir,» is the reply, «as you know, there are 250 men here and no women.»
«And sir, sometimes the men have … urges.»
«That’s why we have the camel,sir.»
The Captain says, «I can’t say that I condone this, but I understand about urges, so the camel can stay.»
About a month later, the Captain starts having a real problem with his own urges, and asks the First Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent .
Putting a stool behind the camel, the Captain stands on it and ‘did it’ with the camel.
When he is done, he asks the First Sergeant, «Is that how the men do it?»
«No sir,» the First Sergeant replies.
«They usually just ride the camel into town.»

The tactful Sergeant

The Captain called the Sergeant in.
«Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private Hendersons mother died yesterday.
Better go tell him and send him in to see me.»

So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops.
«Listen up, men,» says the sergeant. «Johnson, report to the mess hall for KP.
Smith, report to Personnel to sign some papers.
The rest of you men report to the Motor Pool for maintenance.
Oh by the way, Henderson, your mother died, report to the commander.»

Later that day the Captain called the Sergeant into his office.
«Hey, Sarge, that was a pretty cold way to inform Henderson that his mother died.
Couldn’t you be a bit more tactful, next time?»

«Yes, sir,» answered the Sarge.
A few months later, the Captain called the Sergeant in again with, «Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private Johnson’s mother died.
You’d better go tell him and send him in to see me. This time be more tactful.»

So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation.
«Ok, men, fall in and listen up.»
«Everybody with a mother who’s still alive, take two steps forward.»
«NOT SO FAST, Johnson!»

In the army

A guy at a bar leans over to the guy next to him and asks, «hey, do you want to hear an army joke?» The guy responds, «well, before you tell that joke, you should know that I’m 6-foot tall, I weigh 200 pounds, and I’m in the army.»
«The guy sitting next to me,» he continues, «is 6′ 2″, weighs 250 pounds, and he’s also in the army. Now, you still wanna tell me that joke?»
The sailor says, «nah, I don’t want to have to explain it more than twice.»

Nevada Air Force base

You’ve all heard of the Air Force’s ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as Area 51?
Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their “secret” base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.
The pilot’s story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation.
By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn’t a spy.
They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying “you-did-not-see-a-base” briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way.
The day after that though, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP’s surrounded the plane, only this time there were two people in the plane.
The same pilot jumped out and said, «Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!»


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