Here we have collected the funniest and darkest humor we could find. These are the best dark humor jokes that would make you laugh.
Remember; Dark humor is like the health care in the US. Not everyone gets it.
Today I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door on my face. My parents are the worst.
My cousin died last week. He needed a blood transfusion but we didn’t know his blood type. He just kept saying «b positive b positive», but it was hard to be positive since he was dying.
I was digging in our garden when I found a chest full of gold coins. I was about to run straight home to tell my wife about it, but then I remembered why I was digging in our garden.
It turns out that a major new study recently found that humans eat more bananas than monkeys. It’s true. I can’t remember the last time I ate a monkey.
I showed my girlfriend my shotgun yesterday. It really blew her away.
Here We have A couple long dark humor jokes. Enjoy.
A cop sees an old woman carrying two large sacks. One of the sacks has a hole and is leaking 20 dollar bills.
The cop asks the woman, «Where did an old lady like you get all of that money?»
She replies, «Well, there’s a golf course behind my house and when golfers need to go to the bathroom, they stick their penis through a hole in my fence and pee into my yard. It became a problem because it kills the flowers».
The cop asks, «So what did you do about it?»
The old lady says, «I get my hedge clippers and I wait behind the fence. When a golfer sticks his penis through the fence, I grab ahold of it and shout GIVE ME $20 OR IT COMES CLEAN OFF!»
«That seems fair enough,» the cop says, «so what’s in the other sack?»
The old lady replies with, «Not everyone pays…»
3 citizens were going through an exam to become agents of the FBI, their instructor handed the first guy a gun in a room with his wife and said he had to shoot her, he walked out in shame and said he couldn’t do it.
The second guy had the same scenario, he put the gun up but couldn’t pull the trigger so he walked out in shame.
The third guy was put in the same scenario, he walked out and told the instructor, «The gun wasn’t loaded so I had to strangle her.»
And some short dark humor jokes
My grandfather has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the Zoo.
Why can’t orphans play baseball? They don’t know where home is.
My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair. Guess who came crawling back?
Never break someone’s heart, they only have one. Break their bones instead, they have 206 of them.
I threw a boomerang a few years ago. I now live in constant fear.
The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn’t talking to me.
My parents raised me as an only child which really pissed off my brother.
My boss said to me, «you’re the worst train driver ever. How many have you derailed this year?»
I said, «I’m not sure; it’s hard to keep track.»
«Where exactly are you taking me, doctor?» the patient asked.
«To the morgue,» the doctor replied.
«What?» The patient panicked. «But I’m not dead yet!»
«And we’re not there yet,» the doctor said.
I’m in for a prostate examination. I’m nervous but the doctor says its all natural and needs to be done.
So he pulls down my pants and sticks one finger up my ass. I feel it go deeper inside, feeling for abnormalities.
That’s when I realize his hands are on my shoulders.
Dark humor Quotes
Cats have nine lives. Makes them ideal for experimentation.
People say that Steve Jobs died too soon. But I think it was a fitting metaphor for his company’s attitude to battery life.Frankie Boyle
If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.Steven Wright
Let’s end these dark humor jokes with the darkest of them all. Read (and maybe smile) at your own risk.
My friend got mad when he caught me smelling his sister’s panties. I don’t know why he was mad, maybe because she was wearing them, or because his whole family was watching. Either way it made the funeral a bit awkward.